Divorce is a death which one must grieve. Often others in our lives fail to recognize it as a loss like they do death, thus impeding our ability to grieve. It takes the average person two years to work through divorce, especially if it was a longer marriage of seven years or more.
The person who rushes back into marriage or a relationship too soon misses an important growth opportunity. This can be a time of personal growth, during which we gain insight and grow as a human being. One has to unpack following the demise of a marriage or relationship. We have to look carefully at what went wrong and why, what we were feeling at the time, and the mistakes we made. Our tendency is to pack away bad memories and feelings.
One needs to work through the emotions involved in the ending of a relationship. These emotions may include guilt, depression, anxiety, self-hatred, loneliness, fear, confusion, bitterness, and jealousy. Neither person in divorce avoids pain. The “rejecter” experiences feelings of guilt, and the rejected person often feels the pain of being rejected or abandoned.
A person needs to reintegrate back into “oneness” before moving on to another relationship. We don’t make good decisions if we jump right back in – and often choose mates for the wrong reasons. Taking time also facilitates a more positive relationship with our ex-partner, which can be critical if children are involved. In addition, we don’t allow children time to adjust to the change in their lives if we move too quickly into another relationship.
Finding a new partner after a relationship has ended is a great temptation, as it alleviates our feelings of loneliness. But this alleviation may only be temporary and may lead to even greater problems in the new relationship. There are many reasons to take your time and wait before entering into another relationship. No one has been hurt by taking a little extra time and caution.
~Dr. Marlene
