As I discovered the concept of divorce coaching, I became intrigued at the concept after nearly twenty years serving as a custody evaluator in the courts. It was not that I learned anything new about the family court system, as I wrote a book “Contentious Custody: Is It Really in the Best Interest of Your Children?” over the past couple of years. But I loved the concept of parents, even those who don’t agree on parenting time issues, agreeing to self-direct their way, rather than someone having to tell them how it’s going to be for their family. After all, these are your children, and who knows better than the parents what is best for their children?
I proceeded last fall to enroll in a divorce coaching certification program, and I finally felt as though I had “come home” in my passion to serve children of divorce. The concepts and principles that form the foundation for the program are exactly what have been in my heart of hearts for years as I worked with separating and divorcing families, as well as blended families as they journeyed on down the road. Nevermind that I have a master’s degree in counseling and gerontology and a doctorate degree in forensic psychology, not that I did not gain a lot from the education I have, of course I did. But through my various training within the court system that taught me how to conduct a custody evaluation, never had I felt that the core of the approach was one that honored the people who divorces are really about, and that is the children. Divorce coaches can work with parties who do not have children, or whose children are grown, but my passion and the passion of a lot of us in this field is about the children and making life better for them as their family goes through this transition.
It is a sad fact that the family court system perpetuates the conflict, and sometimes the hard stance against a particular parent is warranted. But that is true much less often than what is occurring currently in our family court system. Parents are allowed to litigate every detail of their lives, to where a family barely resembles a family any more but, instead, looks like a business deal when all is said and done. These are families who, for whatever reason, could not remain intact, but that does not mean we have to slaughter the components just because the unit did not remain whole.
So where does coaching come into play? Parents going through separation or divorce are often vulnerable, and they are often easily persuaded to adopt a “winning” or “better deal” mentality, but what is “winning” or a “better deal” when it comes to your children? Coaching softens the approach, taking a hard stance against the things that make the “game” brutal. Bullies don’t succeed with this approach, because the mindset truly is on doing that which best serves the family members and, in particular, the children. When we choose to serve families, which is what coaching is really all about, we choose to honor the goodness within the family as a whole, as well as the individuals that make up that whole. We don’t prepare for battle, rather we set the table, as we are serving good people who simply weren’t good together, but who deserve goodness in the midst of a broken whole.
Our family court system desperately needs coaches and the coaching philosophy. Coaches honor the wishes of the parents, but champion the needs of the children. And their number one need is to be allowed to love both parents. The greatest gift you can give your children is permission to love both parents. As my tagline says, “Love your children more than you hate your ex”, and the coaching environment provides the opportunity for parents to do just that while they “negotiate their way to mutual agreement”. When this becomes an expectation rather than an elusive dream, we will have arrived in doing our job as coaches. I am honored to be a part of this movement. Won’t you join me in championing this cause??
~Dr. Marlene
