Too often, people who find themselves in the middle of a divorce or separation from their significant other think that the process has to be contentious or conflictual. This seems to especially be true for situations in which children are involved. People, including the parties themselves, often believe that the parents are expected to behave in an uncivilized manner toward one another, after all they are going through separation and/or divorce, so they have to be nasty and hateful toward one another, don’t they? It is a fact of life that there is no greater battle in one’s life than the battle over one’s children. For some parents, the concern is genuinely in regard to the children, and in doing that which is in the best interest of the children. But for others, it becomes a contest that is more about winning than it is about what is truly best for the children.
Separation and divorce, however, does not have to be this way, and often parties do not behave in an ugly and hateful manner. Some parents, even those who may have great disdain for one another, perhaps due to betrayal or rejection, seem to be able to set those feelings aside and handle the matter at hand in a cooperative and peaceful manner. What is it that causes some parents to be able and willing to do so? The answer is simple. These parents focus on the needs of their children, first and foremost. The child becomes the central focal point of the realigning of the family, rather than focusing on the other parent and all of the, undoubtedly, awful things that have happened leading up to the separation.
Is it really that simple?? Let’s just say, it can be, if people choose to keep this one simple principle in mind, and that is that the decisions that need to be made at this time have to do with the needs of the child or children in the case, not the needs of the parents. To say that it is simple is not to say that it is easy, for that it is not! But it becomes much easier, with each step that is taken and every decision that is made, when the focus is on the ones who really matter in this situation, and that is the children. Three concepts can make keeping the focus on the child easier, when parents will keep these considerations in mind.
- The child has not had time to process this, so whereas you have prepared yourself for the separation for perhaps weeks or months, or even years, the child has not had the opportunity to do so, and they need their parents to be sensitive to their need to process the many changes they will face.
- There was something that you liked about the other parent at the time you met them, even though you may be very angry with them at this time. Think back to the good you saw in them at the time you made a commitment to them, and it will be easier to place your feelings toward them now in the proper perspective.
- The children involved, especially younger children, derive their identity from their parents. They do not have an identity of their own yet, and they gained whatever identity they have from their parents. They are made up both of their parents. When you put down the other parent, or focus on all of their faults, you are putting down the child, as well. This, in turn, has the capability of destroying their self-esteem and diminishing their self-worth.
Focusing on the child, not yourself or, especially, the other parent, enables you to handle divorce in a dignified way. You have to love your children more than you dislike the other parent at this point in time. Set a good example for your children by remembering that the best thing that came out of the union was the children, and it’s important to preserve this most valuable asset. The best example you can set is to be the bigger person, and the greatest gift you can give your children is to allow them to love the other parent. This manner of handling divorce maintains dignity for all.
~Dr. Marlene
