Regardless of the relationship that you’re in, it is smart to pick your battles wisely. But this could never be more true than in the relationship between separated or divorced parents. Just as with parents who are still together, parents who are no longer together are not going to agree on everything. But co-parents who are no longer together must try to agree on things having to do with their children without having the benefit of being in the same household, with the biggest difference being that they are unable to really have any influence over what happens in the other parent’s household.
This is the first issue that co-parents living in separate households have to recognize, is the fact that they have little to no control over what happens in the other parent’s home. Each parent is the head of their own household and, as a result, is allowed to make decisions within that household without asking permission from the other parent. This includes, but is not limited to, decisions on chores, rules, allowances, television watching, video games, bedtimes, homework, food and clothing. This is not to say that parents have no recourse if things are happening in the other home that are harmful to the children. For example, if children are showing ill effects from watching programs or playing games that are not age-appropriate, the other parent may ask the court to require that both parents observe the age-appropriate rating guidelines for television, video games, or other media, and the court will likely grant their request. However, it will be up to the parent requesting such restriction to prove to the court that such exposure is indeed harmful to the child. For the most part, however, each parent is going to have little control over what happens in the other household, and often they will cause more dissention with the other parent by raising the issue than what it is worth.
Neither parent is going to win every battle they have with the other parent, and neither is going to have everything go their way in a co-parenting situation. That is why it is important to choose your battles wisely. It is important to identify what things reallymatter to you as a parent, and what things you are willing to bend on. The idea is to never place yourself in a position to have to make a major concession. Again, never place yourself in a position to have to make a major concession. If you try to win every little argument that comes along, you may find yourself in a position of having to make a major concession. One suggestion is to rank the importance of matters that you know will become an issue between you and the other parent, and know what things you are willing to bend on, and what things you may just have to “dig your heels in” about. Remind yourself as you negotiate your way through some of the “lesser” issues that there are more important things that matter to you than whatever the issue is at the time. Stop and ask yourself, is this issue really that important, or is this one that I can perhaps bend on a little or give in on? And gauge your responses accordingly, while you’re in the negotiating process with your co-parent.
Just remember, you’re not going to win every battle. If you end up having to have the court, or perhaps a mediator, resolve the issue for you, they may look at the “scorecard” between the two of you. If you have “won” many of the battles along the way, you may be at a disadvantage when it comes to something that really matters to you. Just remember to give in when the issue is something that really doesn’t matter. Because not everything is life or death in these situations, but some things really do matter to you. Weigh the importance of this particular issue, and devise your game plan accordingly. You’re not going to win every battle. But, bottom line, never place yourself in a position to have to make a major concession. You might win some battles along the way, but when you make a major concession, you are going to feel like you have lost the war.
~Dr. Marlene
