In this age of blended families being more common than traditional “intact” families, there cannot be enough said about being an effective and appropriate stepparent. There is an art to being a good stepparent, and often stepparents err on one side or the other, of either being uninvolved with their stepchildren, or over-inserting themselves into the lives of their stepchildren, often causing resentment and frustration. I often say in court cases for which I served as an evaluator that stepparents are often the greatest asset to the family they are now attached to, or they are the biggest problem, causing turmoil and angst among the biological family members.
The following three suggestions for being a good stepparent are offered to those wishing to maintain good stepfamily relations:
- Know your place as a stepparent. Recognize that you can be a great addition to the family, as long as you are not trying to replace the parent whose position you now fill within the family. Children have loyalty to their parents, being sensitive to the fact that the children may experience torn loyalties, perhaps by letting them know that they cannot have enough adults in their lives who love them, can ease the stepchild’s dilemma of whether it is permissible to love you or not. Be aware of the child’s sensitivity to the absent parent’s feelings, too. Some children will want to call a stepparent by a term of endearment, but be sensitive to the fact that this may cause emotional hurt to the parent if they should hear the child call you by a term typically reserved for parents, which in turn exacerbates the child’s feelings of torn loyalties. Allow the child to decide what they want to call you, or come up with another name that they can call you that is still a term of endearment but not “mommy” or “daddy”, such as “papa” for a stepfather. This will serve to eliminate the issue of torn loyalties within the child. Best practice is to refrain from telling a child they HAVE to call a stepparent by a certain name, but not telling them that they CAN’T. Let them call you what they are comfortable calling you.
- Leave things such as enforcing discipline to the biological parent. There are certain things that stepparents need to allow the biological parent to do. Clarify with the biological parent who is now your significant other what parenting tasks you will help with and what will be left only to the biological parent to provide. Physical discipline, in particular, should never be provided by a stepparent, even if your significant other says it is ok for you to do that. Most likely the other parent in the equation will not agree, and it generally is not considered to be a stepparent’s place to provide physical discipline, if physical discipline is utilized at all.
- Treat your stepchildren the way you would want a stepparent to treat your children. Be sensitive to the fact that this is a learning process for everyone, and it may take a child awhile to warm up to you or to accept you in the role you now fill within the family. It will not happen overnight, and often children misplace feelings of hurt or resentment toward a stepparent, rather than toward the biological parents, where the feelings really belong. Children often erroneously believe that if you were not there, their parents would get back together. Do not take it personally, and do not try to force their feelings of adoration toward you, or tell them the “truth” about negative qualities of the absent parent. The child’s positive feelings toward you will be earned over time when you provide support and understanding to what they are going through.
There is an art to being a good stepparent, but it is worth the effort. Keep the simple, basic principle of the Golden Rule in mind, and treat others the way you would want others to treat you, or to treat your children if they were the stepchildren in the situation. Be sensitive to the children’s needs and feelings. A little anticipation will go a long way in making your blended family a success!
~Dr. Marlene
